I’ve been online dating for many many years now. I like online dating both as a relationship coach and a person looking to find, what I hope will be, a long-term partner/husband.

What are the benefits:

*You get to see their profile and filter through it prior to them even contacting you or knowing about you

*Often there are questions such as OKCupid.com that you can see a % of compatibility

*You can chat with them via the chat system before meeting or talking on the phone, giving personal info out.

*You get important information about them that you cannot or may not get just meeting organically.

Is online dating a safer choice?

For me as a single woman, it is important to see how much they drink, do they smoke, want more kids ( I’m done with childbirth) those things can be asked in conversation when you meet organically however with chemistry affecting our thinking because our brain is on a hormone high, there could be hesitation to answer it honestly – for fear of rejection- or to ensure another date.  There is often subconscious motives we don’t notice or don’t want to notice.  Chemistry is not a healthy way to choose a partner.

Bars can be an unhealthy place to meet but not because of what you are thinking.  Why because studies show that after one drink our brain is already seeing a person so much differently we won’t make good decisions. With every drink after that, studies show they become more attractive and our decision making part of our brain is more likely to choose that person then if we had nothing to drink.

I find that in finding out what someone has to say about themselves without those barriers is far better.

I’ve also met men organically and felt that I had to start from zero.  I didn’t know any qualifying information beforehand. That doesn’t necessarily feel safer than online dating as many experts in the dating and relationships mention when writing about the negatives of online dating.

I want to weed out those that already have deal-breakers.  No matter how handsome he is, I won’t get involved with a smoker.

While others are seeing the negative side of online dating, I still feel after 5 years of it I’ve had more relationships start with online dating.  It feels safer to me. I have a vetting system that really works to get the information I need early on. That way I have more men that meet my standards on the first date.

Online Dating is a Candy Store for Singles.

Yes, it can feel like a candy store for available men and women but if you know what to ask, what to look for and how to listen for deal breakers you can meet quality dates.  Always like meeting someone out organically, there are risks. I find it to be riskier to meet men outside of online dating. I have actually had scary situations show up with the ones my acquaintances and friends just thought was a “great guy” than the ones I’ve met on online dating.

Think about it!  You can be a smart online dater. Filter out the ones you don’t desire contact with and communicate until you feel safe moving forward with video/ phone or in person meeting.

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At a rally Monday night, President Trump said that he can’t call his daughter Ivanka “beautiful” anymore thanks to political correctness.

“Now I don’t know if they’ll say this is nepotism, but the truth is she’s a very, very — you’re not allowed to use the word beautiful anymore when you talk about women, you’re not allowed, no, no, it’s politically incorrect,” he said, according to Newsweek. “I will never call a woman beautiful again, and every man here, every man here, raise your hand, you will never say your wife, your girlfriend, anybody is beautiful, right?”

“I’m not allowed to say, because it’s my daughter Ivanka, but she’s really smart,” he continued. “And she’s here — shall I bring her up?” Even Ivanka seemed surprised by her father’s comments. “Wow. Hi, Ohio,” she said when she got to the podium. “That was some introduction.”

The president actually is incorrect, Jaclyn Friedman, author of books on sex and power including Unscrewed: Women, Sex, Power and How to Stop Letting the System Screw Us All, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “Men and anybody can comment on the looks of people under certain circumstances,” she says. “But you should never comment on the appearance of somebody you don’t know or anybody in the workplace. Just don’t do it, even if you think they look great.”

President Trump told a crowd at a rally this week that he can’t call his daughter Ivanka “beautiful” anymore because of political correctness. Here the two are pictured at the White House in October. (Photo: Nicholas Kamm/AFP)

“The way I try to frame this is in what circumstances or in what way would you tell your mother or your sister that she’s beautiful?” Gail Saltz, MD, a psychiatrist and author of The Power of Different, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “You wouldn’t say to your sibling or your mother something sexual about being beautiful, and you wouldn’t say it in the workplace.”

These aren’t gendered rules, Friedman says—no one should be commenting on anyone’s physical appearance in these situations. “Men like Donald Trump want to make this about men being oppressed, but this is common courtesy,” she says. “Don’t comment on people’s bodies in the workplace. Nobody wants to think that you’re looking at their body in the workplace.”

Power dynamics also matter, Saltz says: “It can seem like a demand or request where there is an unequal footing, power to be gained or lost.”

When it comes to complimenting someone on their appearance, “how you’re doing it and how often you’re doing it matters,” Friedman says. If you’re constantly complimenting people on their appearance, it gives them the impression that the most important thing about them is how they look. But if you compliment their appearance along with giving compliments on their accomplishments or actions, a different message is conveyed. “It’s really about the ratio,” Friedman says.

Men should understand, though, that women may be wary of receiving unsolicited compliments on their appearance. “Women know that sometimes if you get unwelcome comments about your looks, violence may follow,” Friedman says. “We’ve all heard stories of women who have gotten hit on who tried to turn down advances and were attacked or murdered for it. Women go to great pains to avoid that kind of leering attention because we know our safety may depend on it.”

Saltz acknowledges that men may feel a little confused these days. “To some degree it’s an understandable reaction to a movement that has made it clear that a lot of the things that have been going on for some time are not OK,” she says. But, in general, she says men (and women) are usually OK to call someone beautiful when they’re already in a romantic situation or relationship.

As for Ivanka, Friedman says that she doesn’t believe that the president thinks he can’t call his daughter beautiful. “And, for the record, his daughter is a senior White House adviser. He has brought it into the workplace,” she says.

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To some, the singles scene has already hit apocalyptic territory. So what would a fictional dating dystopia look like?

In its fourth season, the Netflix series “Black Mirror” makes a pretty good guess. Its episode follows Frank (Joe Cole) and Amy (Georgina Campbell), who are stuck in an online dating experiment called the System, which pairs users off for finite amounts of time (anywhere from 12 hours to several years) while collecting data on their preferences so that it can one day deliver their one true love.

At first “Hang the DJ’s” premise appears to be a more cheerful version of “The Lobster,” a dark comedy about a hotel where singles are sent to meet their match, or else. After 45 days, those who don’t find a suitable mate get turned into the animal of their choosing. It took the idea of “dying alone” to frightening heights.

Even if the constant pairings in “Hang the DJ” seem like drudgery, the episode is far more optimistic than “The Lobster.” Even as Frank and Amy drudge through unsatisfying matches, success seems more inevitable than a lifetime of loneliness.

In fact, there are a few elements in “Hang the DJ’s” fictional universe that, at least at first glance, might seem like improvements on the real-life Tinder slog.

Singles get to meet each other right away. Are you tired of coming up with small talk with strangers over Tinder messages? Of course you are. Instead, the System pairs people instantly and picks the meetup spot.

Back in 2013, OkCupid tried something like this: an app called Crazy Blind Date, where profile photos were displayed as a scrambled image. Users would input the times they had available to meet up and preferred locations. The app would then either set people up blindly or allow them to schedule with another user based on the times and locations they had on offer. It sounds like a brilliant way to do an end-run around endless predate conversing, but OkCupid got a lot of backlash over the app. Why? Well, one of the reasons people often don’t want to go on dates immediately with strangers from the Internet is that they want to make sure they’ll be safe — and often picking a public place isn’t enough to ensure that. However, in the serene yet sanitized world Frank and Amy find themselves in, the danger seems to come not from their dates but from the security officers stalking about with stun guns.

Everyone seems to be looking for the same thing: a relationship. What a concept. In real life, not only do daters experience bad matches (someone who doesn’t like you, you don’t like them, or you clearly both don’t like each other), but they also endure the heartbreak of good matches with bad timing (such as one person being off to a job or grad school in a different city). Not to mention online daters having to shoehorn these meetups and their relationships into their busy, stressful lives. In “Hang the DJ’s” community of singles, everyone seems to be on the same timeline, or at least they’re willfully submitting to the System’s.

Would devoting every waking hour to finding a partner be better than the balancing act most singles experience now? It might be more effective, but it could drive you crazy in the meantime. Do the contestants on “The Bachelor,” who are doing pretty much that, seem well-adjusted to you?

It gives couples certainty about how long they’ll be together. Call me a cynic, but when Frank and Amy hit their System buttons on their first date and found out their relationship would last a grand total of 12 hours, I was incredibly relieved for them. They both seemed disappointed. But all I could think was: Wow, that makes it easy! No anxious thoughts about whether and when the person you’re with might break up with you; no energy spent on the uncertainty of dating. Everything is decided for you. What a relief!

But also: What a nightmare! This is basically technology-brokered arranged marriage with zero human input. The horrors of which are obvious when you see how miserable some of the Frank and Amy’s other matches are.

You have lots of options, but you know you’ll end up with the best. When the dangers of online dating are discussed in real life, the paradox of choice comes up. This is the idea that, faced with an abundance of choices, be it on Tinder or brands of cereal, we’ve become not freer and happier but more paralyzed and dissatisfied. The System aims to offer the best of both worlds: Lots of options, and at the end of it you get the best one.

I won’t give away the ending, but ultimately the episode becomes not an indictment of dating apps like Tinder but an endorsement of them. In a story that starts by telling its characters to hand over their free will to the supremacy of technology, it ends up melding the two. Yes, the app puts two people together, but they still have to make choices to be happy.


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