The catalyst for my first orgasm was a crush I developed on a co-worker. We shared a kiss.

I had my first proper orgasm when I was 52. Up until that point, I’d found sex underwhelming. If I curled up in bed on my own and masturbated in one specific position, I sometimes achieved a mild rush, but it wasn’t intense. I still adored my husband, Peter, but sexually we were in a rut. Peter encouraged me to experiment, but I didn’t even really believe in orgasms. I thought: is this all sex is?

The catalyst for my first orgasm was a crush I developed on a colleague. We shared a kiss one day in his office, and the lust I felt in that split second was like an electric shock. I still loved Peter, but in some ways it felt like my body had been asleep. My co-worker jolted me awake and I suddenly felt this urge for release. I didn’t have sex with my co-worker – only because he turned me down. He reminded me that we were both married.

I felt cross with Peter: ‘Why didn’t you tell me an orgasm was that good?’ But the truth is I’d written myself off

Later that night, I felt guilty and told Peter what had happened. He was surprisingly accepting. He’d spent our 20-year marriage lobbying for more experimental sex, and he was excited to harness my feelings for this other man and inject it into our relationship. The problem was that when we had sex, I felt unsatisfied. I had all this pent-up energy and nowhere to put it. I became obsessed with the idea of having an orgasm. The constant arousal made me feel very alive, but I also worried that I was going mad.

I finally found a vibrator that did the trick. The first time I managed to orgasm, it was such a relief I actually felt cross with Peter. I turned to him and said: “Why didn’t you tell me an orgasm was that good? I would have spent the last 20 years trying harder.” But he had tried. I’d written myself off.

I still can’t orgasm from penetrative sex. It’s a private experience for me. I close my eyes and go into my fantasies about different men, whom I imagine meeting at parties, or in their cars. I don’t want any of this to happen in real life, and Peter understands that. He’s wonderfully confident and playful about the whole thing. He just says, “Who was it today, darling?” And I’ll say, “The surfer on the beach!”

Peter, 69
Imagining Penny with another man excites me, because it feels forbidden

There has never been any pretense between Penny and me. We don’t even close the toilet door. So when she told me about her office kiss, I didn’t feel jealous; I have desired other women over the years, and Penny knows that. She will even point to attractive women on the street, and say: “Do you like her?” Imagining Penny with another man excites me, because it feels forbidden. Perhaps I’d feel differently if she actually went to bed with someone else, but I like exploring the idea in my imagination.

In the early days of our relationship, I’d try to touch Penny’s clitoris, but she always pushed me away. I have always felt deeply emotionally connected to Penny, but sex sometimes seemed like a job she was trying to get done, particularly after we had children. When I tried to bring her to orgasm, she told me she didn’t like the feeling when I touched her directly. And she didn’t want to experiment, so over the years I just had to accept that.

In our favorite roleplay, I play Penny’s co-worker, and we re-enact the office kiss

But after the kiss with her colleague, experimenting was all we did. Penny spent all day Googling “How do women have orgasms?” then marched into a sex shop and said, “I need a toy to help me masturbate.” Penny had always been so meek and mild; it was a total transformation. I found the whole experience thrilling.

Once we found the right vibrator, everything clicked into place. We’ve had the same routine now for 13 years: we have sex and then she finishes using her toy, while I watch. She has to go into her imaginary world to reach orgasm, and afterwards we discuss what she fantasized about. Sometimes we do a bit of roleplay as foreplay and bring one of her fantasies to life. In our favorite, I play her colleague and we re-enact the office kiss. Sometimes I even put a sign on the bedroom door with her company’s name on it.

Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?